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[Sian]

I had one of my close friends "attempt" suicide FOUR TIMES.

Who was it that held her hand each time she was rushed to hospital? It certainly wasn't her parents. I tried to do everything I could for her but it was to no avail.

She now has a baby daughter and seems to be doing well. I know she is a ticking time bomb though. We no longer speak due to a rather vicious attack on me while she was in hospital.

[Tommeh!!!]

i fear im minutes from a relapse....tomeh is not at his best...not one bit.

[Lynne]

i fear im minutes from a relapse....tomeh is not at his best...not one bit.

PM on the way, dearie!  

[Lynne]

@!#?^&(*%?!#^&()_(&!^?%  
I am trying to send you another PM and it won't go through.   :evil:

[Lynne]

OK, Tommeh!  I have tried three times and I can't get a PM through.  Send me one to see if the damn system is working.

[Tommeh!!!]

thats a bugger.

[Lynne]

And me with no Vaseline!    :wink:

[Barbara]

I have to admit I had a slip up a few days ago too, first time in a few months.
Holidays are always kinda depressing for me nowadays    :cry:

[Navi]

The link Felyne provided is actually pretty good, if anyone looked at it. Some of it is potentially triggering but it has good information that could be encouraging as well. I read a bit about how scars won't hold tattoos very well, and since my plan was to cover my scars with one of the tattoos I'm planning for, I'm trying to use that idea as a reminder not to cut.

Not sure about tonight though...bad bad panic attacks.  :roll: I roll my eyes at myself when things are the most dire, evidently.

[Eternal]

Okay, after another mood swing phone conversation(for some reason Heather doesn't get that she needs to just get off the phone when I'm like that)... I realised something. I mean, I had noticed it before, but I really see it now...

Physical pain inflicted on myself is my way of dealing with emotions. Everyone does something... most people I know yell, or accuse others of doing things wrong when they get angry or upset. I don't. I do not yell at anyone. I blame myself for problems, not others. I yell at myself, nobody else. I phsyically hurt myself, not anyone else... why is it, venting on other people is seen as okay, and not selfish... but if I hurt myself... it's selfish? I'm doing it because I don't want to make others feel bad, just because I'm angry. I can't. Because if I yell at people, I feel worse. Yelling or accusing others of things is not a way I can use to deal with emotions.

Why is making others feel bad acceptable? I've always thought it was bad. I hate when other people vent their stress on me. It kills me. How could I ever do that to anyone else? I can't. So, I realised I can beat myself up, and I can take it... and I won't feel bad afterwards, either. It's all self contained. The anger, wether it should be there or not, is released, without effecting anyone else but me. In my eyes, that's better than yelling at someone and making them feel bad.

Why have I tried so hard to stop cutting? Because everyone else tells me to. Because it hurts them they say... but wouldn't they be just as upset if I yelled at them? Yes. If I were slitting my wrists, or doing something that could get me killed... yeah, I understand them trying to get me to stop. Otherwise, it's just on my arm... it'll scar, sure, but there's nothing damaged other than that.

It's a method of coping with emotions. Everyone has their own way. This is mine. To me, it's normal. To me, even when I see others do it, it's normal... I actually have a slight admiration for them, even, because they're not making others feel bad... I've had too many people make me feel bad, just because they were upset. I can't do that.

This is a way for me to deal with things, and I think it should be looked at as normal. It doesn't hurt, I mean, it does in a way... physically, a little... but emotionally? Calm... soothing... relaxing. And nobody else is effected by it. It's far from selfish, which is more than most people can say about their method of dealing with emotions.

Now if I can just get Heather to let me take back that damn promise I made...  :roll:

    - Seth

EDIT: Here's a quote, which I'm going to break down into peices, from one of the many, many anti-self-harm websites...

"People who self-injure often never developed healthy ways to feel and express emotion or to tolerate distress. Studies have shown that self-harm can put a person at a high level of physiological arousal back to a baseline state..."

Unhealthy... okay, physically yeah it can be to some extent. It's causing the body some harm, but it doesn't have to be permenant harm. And look, even studies have shown it helps calm you down. :roll: And I suppose making others feel bad when I'm upset is the 'correct' way to deal with my emotions? Not when you're on the recieving end of someones stress and anger, like I seem to be so often.

"It's natural to want to help people who self-injure develop healthier ways of coping when they feel overwhelmed, but it's important not to let your discomfort with the concept of self-harm cause you to issue ultimatums, punish self-harming behavior, or threaten to leave if the person self-harms again. Ideally, you should set boundaries to keep yourself feeling safe while respecting the person's right to make his or her own decisions about how to deal with stress."

To me, that pretty much sums up how everyone(at least offline, everyone I know online seems to try to understand it much better) has treated me. They see it as wrong. They see it as unhealthy. So of course, I should stop, because of they see it as wrong. But I don't tell them to stop yelling at me, when they're venting... why are they telling me to stop hurting myself? They have their ways, I have mine.

[Barbara]

I understand what you're saying Seth...it's never good to take things out on other people.  Though in some cases I do think it hurts people...but hear me out...simply because they feel they've failed you, they've caused you to do it.  I know when my mom saw marks on me and asked what happened, I just replied with "I fell" and quickly made up a slightly elaborate story of how I fell.  But I could see in her eyes that she knew what I'd really done, you can see the hurt, and it feels terrible.  I know she feels its her fault.  But it isn't, there's nothing anybody can do to take away the desire (at least in my case) to get that adrenaline rush.  She's really the only person that knows, although one day at school some friends and I somehow got on that subject and I found out that most of them either had at least minorly injured themselves or seriously thought about it.  So among them, at least, it wasn't an issue.  I also knew someone (I was friends with them but we never ended up hanging out outside of school) who was in the hospital a few times for self injury, and I never felt it was my fault in any way I guess cause I understood it.  Obviously, I'd rather she didn't do it, though.  Its just...a very tough subject.  And it doesn't make sense that hurting yourself can hurt others....that's why I usually cover up any scars as best I can...then no one knows, no one can be "hurt."

[Bri]

Wow...is it that time of the year for relapses?  I think so...  I just wanted to say that I love you guys!  Seth, I don't know you very well but you are one smart guy.  It sounds like you're working through all this tough stuff and that's good...I'd just say not to worry too much about the idea of relapsing...sometimes it happens and that's ok.  Barbara, I love ya, dearie!  I know what you mean about the disappointment you see in others' eyes...  And all of you, stay strong!  It's ok.  Everything will work out eventuallly...

[Barbara]

Bri!!! Where have ya been??!!

And back to the topic...
yes, this actually is the time of year highest for suicides.  I think a lot of people long to go back to the time when the magic of Santa was still there and Christmas was one of the happiest times of the year.  Now its just a lot of work...and having to awkwardly sit around with family you only see once a year.  Sure, seeing family is great, but I happen to be smack dab in the middle between my older and younger cousins.  All my first cousins are at least 30, the oldest nearly 40 now, and their kids are still very little.  I'm just kinda...there..in the middle.  Even harder cause I'm kinda shy in situations like that and terribly self-conscious.  Truthfully I'd be more comfortable just sitting by myself at home on Christmas.  

Every year I try to get myself psyched up for the holidays...and every year it falls short.  Occasionally I'll get a little flutter of excitement when I see a fresh snowfall, or when I see some festive decorations, but it doesn't last long.  Especially at this point of my life when I wish I could go back to the simple way things used to be, it makes me want to cry.

[Navi]

Yeah...I'm desperately hoping the holidays actually make me feel a bit better. For one thing, I'm sick of Ramen. I don't even like turkey but the idea of Thanksgiving and actual food is really alluring. And I want to see snow at Worcester.

[Zwheels]

for the five years i lived in a small texas town i would get so depresed. every christmass eve no mater the weather i would go out and walk for hours. i would end up at our main street in town. it was a main road big trucks at all times of the day and night. i would stand in a dark spot and watch the trucks and cars go by. and i would ponder if i wanted to live or die. all it would take is just a step off the curb in front of a big rig. but it allways came down to the truck driver. can i put him through this the whole big mess. he would have to live knowing he hit and killed someone. and i knew i wasen't worth his time or the police's time. i would then walk home trully humble. i don't like christmas everyones to happy. but thats just me.