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[Memeki]

It's funny, I was thinking recently that I thought I knew the answer to this, and now I'm not so sure. Now it's not so clear.

[Kitten7]

It's most certainly NOT what I first believed a family to be....the people who had me...
The realization is very painful, especially during holidays.
Memeki, for what it's worth, I'm still thinking on this one also.

[renee2]

so am I.   

[Mad Dawg]

The ability to see through each others faults and shortcomings and still love each other. Of course, my full answer is way longer than that. But that pretty much sums it up. No one else will see through all the bullshit and still love you for who you are at the end of the day.

[Kadee]

The ability to see through each others faults and shortcomings and still love each other.

This right here!  Perfectly said MD

[renee2]

hmmmm....what about your mom who has severe mental health issues (who was never officially diagnosed)and who has treated you like crap for most of your life and has thrown you under the bus at every turn and beat you until you were curled up on the floor in the fetal position crying begging for her to stop but would only stop after she made you say over and over again that your own father doesn't love you.  your own mother who hit you so hard that you had to go to school with scratch marks all over your face.  your own mother who didn't want to take care of her OWN mother, my grandmother, and forced you into probate court to become conservator of her mother? and when you were forced into it, your own mother made you suffer for it every day and laughed at you when you cried....

I'm a tad angry right now...I just cannot see through my mother's faults right now.  you just do not do those things to your own child. 

my bullshit?  I was a kid...I've spent my entire life trying to see through all the bullshit and still love her for who she is at the end of the day...and guess what?  it sucks...

[Kitten7]

Yes it does suck. It hurts like hell and there's no reconciling any of it.  I think many can relate to what you wrote Renee. It's too sad and it sucks and anyone with a semi normal family should thank the" powers that be" every day. 

[Kitten7]

MD...I wish that were true for all families. That's would be wonderful to have someone who didn't judge or criticize but accepted you for all that you are. That  would be an ideal family.

[Kitten7]

Sorry...I'm on a roll right now. No disrespect meant toward anyone here or irl. I would give anything... at my age  to have someone who gave me what the shrinks call "positive self regard"

[Memeki]

I don't much like talking about my real family. I love them, but there is no use talking about their faults because they will not change. I have no choice but to accept who they are.

That's why I've had "chosen" families in the past.

My yoga instructor is also my ex-boyfriend's mother. I lovingly call her "mama" even though I'm no longer with her son. I love this woman with all of my heart. She understands me better then I understand myself sometimes. She has taught me so much that my real family unfortunately cannot. She is remarkably wise and very caring. Now, my father was an abusive drunken son of a bitch. Never once said that he loved me. Did unspeakable things to me and my family. When you only have one parent, it's very hard. It doesn't matter how good your one parent is, something is still missing. So all my life I befriended older people. They helped fill that hole. It's something special when you are the "daughter" someone never got to have, when they aren't obligated to love you or be proud of you just because they're related to you. I'm close with my family but a lot of my family members don't know or can't accept who I really am.  And also, even though I haven't spoken to or seen my ex in almost 7 months, I still have a connection with him now. I secretly see him as my baby brother sometimes. He's part of my chosen "family." It's a very special connection.

Another thing about "chosen" families... like right now, with my grandfather being so sick, I need to be strong for my family. I can't cry or talk about the situation to them. I need to be strong for them. And yet I can cry all I need to to my friends. They can be there for a lot of things that family can't.

[Kitten7]

Memeki
I'm sure your ex's mother feels lucky to have you in her life also. That was a beautiful post. It helped me feel that maybe there is hope for family ...

[Indigo]

Family to me is the people I "choose" to take care of. I have no one to take care of me. I take care of my kids (not out of obligation... I truly adore and love my children... even with their faults). I take care of my mother and my one son's nana... out of obligation for the most part. There are major underlying issues there on both sides and daily I have to bite my tongue and somedays I just can not pick up the phone to talk to them. Then there is my adopted family. Chris, is like a little brother but our relationship has turned into a mother/son after his mom committed suicide. He has gone from total drama queen not thinking just being a shit into a kid with goals, ambition. When he falls apart I am the first phone call. He has been around for 3 years and isn't going anywhere yet. I can tell him off and put my foot down and he gets mad but we work through it. He knows I have his best interest at heart. 

And that's it. My "real" family, ha, they have hurt me to the point I will never forgive (on my mom's side), I was alienated from all family 20+ years ago and am just starting to re-establish my relationship with my cousins from my Dad's side (thanks to ancestry.com). They are pretty awesome (as long as we keep religion out of the conversation). My mother hates me talking to them. My nieces... they are grown up now and I am no longer "cool". My brothers and sister (all half) hate my mother therefore, hate me. So be it. I don't want them in my life to shit on me anyways. My one niece is pregnant and due any day with my grand nephew... I am excited about that but know I will never see him. Doesn't matter though, he will get strange/funky gifts from Auntie in Ontario! I already have made him a quilt and some little blankets plus I have been shopping second hand stores for weeks stocking up on baby stuff for Weston. At the least they can say I live too far to be "involved" no one can say I didn't try to care.
Family is I guess, what you make it. Not what you were handed. The term family is another reason why I do not believe in a God.

[renee2]

oh man indigo....I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...memeki...my best thoughts are with you right now...in fact, now that we have gotten into this "conversation" about family, my best thoughts are with all of you, kitten, indigo and memeki...who are struggling just like I am.  I don't know all of you, but I can honestly say that actually feel closer to you all than I do to my own family.  I am a stranger in my family.  I feel bonded to you...this website and all of you means so much to me.  kitten and lucie...I love you guys even though we have never met...please don't think me strange.  I know I can come on to this site and find people who understand me and who are struggling with same or similar issues.  I love the fact that we all feel safe enough to share with each other...even if it is on a public forum!   

my family is so incredibly dysfunctional that it never ceases to amaze me.

I can say right now...and please do not take this the wrong way...I'm not a wierd person...but I say that I choose you all to be my family right now.  kitten...you are awesome and I thank you for your support.  you all are the best and you make me feel so much better.  thanks for reading my rants...~R

[Kitten7]

Oh Renee.... Happy tears....
That was so sweet! I feel that way about many people on here;you are one of them.
I wish we could all get what we need emotionally from our birth family but all of you here are closer to me than my immediate family is.
That was a good point Renee!! It was made to me by someone else too. I'm feeling the love...are all of you too??
(((Indigo)))  (((Memeki)))  (((Renee))) (((Everyone)))
You aren't weird, Renee.... but , in order to be truely happy here, it really helps! LOL